Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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