My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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