I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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