i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize