Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
