I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
