just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
