Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
