Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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