You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I didn't notice because vodka
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize