my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
