did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
