My first STD was from a foam party
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
