i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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