I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
