I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
