i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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