So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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