Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
