can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
