I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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