I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
