someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
