i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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