You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
