Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
