I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize
