well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
