im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Small penises have feelings too.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
