The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
