bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
