Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
