her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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