I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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