How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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