She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
