I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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