just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
