Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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