i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
