Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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