What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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