I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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