Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
