You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I miss vodka workout Fridays
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
