She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
