i was born a porn star she said
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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