i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
