i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
