i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
This baby is an asshole
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
