he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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