She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
