that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize