During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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