So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
