I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
