I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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