I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
