Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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