I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
