if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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