How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
