either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
