I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
