She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
