Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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