i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
