saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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