Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
